Where to begin.

Well, it has been several years since I have posted on my website. Not that it hasn’t been in the back of my mind during these past months. It is difficult to begin where and why I decided to quit posting. Part is my creative needs and flow have been stifled by my own depression and unwillingness to crawl out from my deepest hurt. The other part was being in a relationship with a person who made it their sole job to snuff out all my individuality and kill my creativity. The hardest part in all this has been the fact that I allowed this person to have so much control over me. There were so many red flags I ignored for the sake of keeping the peace and trying to prove to this person I was not all they said I am.

Let me take a minute to back up as I have jumped far into the progress of my latest journey and have neglected to start where my pre-disposition to letting people walk all over me began. I am going to begin with an obscure, at the time, but very valuable piece of advice my father gave me when I was a teenager.

Advice from my father.

When I was a child my father sat me down and tried to explain something to me. At the time, now that I think about it, he noticed me struggling with something in which he knew the reason but was hoping I didn’t remember. In this moment he decided to give me a piece of advice I now always remember but did not truly understand. Can’t really blame myself as I was just 16 to 17 years old with hardly an experience to call my own which would allow me to juxtapose what I was being told.

My father sat me down thinking for a minute, from what I now understand, pondering the best way possible to give me his piece of wisdom so that I could understand it. What I didn’t realize then but now do is, I was always on a short fuse when someone tried to tell me how to live my life or how to feel and my parents didn’t believe exactly how intelligent I am even though I demonstrated it time and time again. Looking back I can now understand why they just couldn’t understand that an 8 year old boy can build his own stereo from the guts of several making it what I wanted but they couldn’t understand why year after year I was on the verge of being held back a grade during my time in elementary school. From the time I was 5 I would take the gifts given to me and hack my toys into the toys I wanted. I remember having a school box hidden under my bed which contained a stripped screwdriver, dull hobby blade, some glue, tape, solder, soldering iron, and various other items. Using these items I hacked and remade my toys. I had to keep my toolbox hidden from my parents because I was grounded, punished, and forbidden from ever using tools again. Mostly due to the fact that I took everything I could my hands on apart.

I now know my parents simply gave up on me. Even though they told me they loved me, provided everything I needed, gave me the best they could afford, but I quit feeling they believed in me. At this point it was as if I was a destructive pet one cannot get rid of, you simply manage it the best you can. My mother coddled me and my father focused on my brother. There were so many things my father stepped up and taught my brother but never gave a second thought to me. Basically, my father never taught me how to be a man, how to stand up for myself, when to draw a line, etc. This and much more, he taught my brother.

My father looked me in the eye, waited to make sure I was listening, and told me “Brian, we all cary bags of rocks that keep us from living life. The secret is unloading all your rocks from your bag.” I understand now, he was giving himself this message just as much as it was for me. Many years later I understand what he was trying to tell me even though his own guilt over me motivated him to do so.

Why do we do those things.

Every person on this world has experiences that affect us so dramatically our sub-conscience literally drives every decision, reaction, behavior, etc. that we have throughout our life. Essentially, this is the reason why we keep living the same exact situations in different ways and can’t understand why. We attract to ourselves situations which punch these hurts, pains, sorrows directly in the gut. Life does this as a prompt to deal with the sub-conscience hurt to let it go.

During my divorce, with help, I came to completely understand the mechanics behind what drives us and why. There are many things that came to light in which I had a rosy picture painted. Once I pulled those rose tinted glasses off, my past turned into exactly what it was. What I mean is as one example, when my father passed away I had so much unresolved anger with him I no longer had an opportunity to heal. Thus, I painted a picture in my mind that my father was the best person a growing boy could ever have. He was there for me, gave me advice, was concerned with who I was, went to my sporting events, supported my decisions, etc. None of this was true, just a construct in my mind I had built to prevent me from dealing with the pain.

This is what we as human beings do. When our chances of healing relationships with others are gone, due to death, we built a beautiful picture immortalizing these people as saints. It’s easier to do this rather than deal with our sorrows buried deep in our chest. We feel these sorrows come up from time to time and paint it over with a pile of manure.

My intentions from here on.

From here on, I hope to explain my journey of dumping my rocks and unloading my own personal sack. I am still working on it and describe it as most of my cancers have been excised but now I am left with tubes extruding from my psyche draining the remaining infection. It has been elating, painful, said, happy, and angering all at once. It has been nearly a year of dealing with all these emotions and understanding why I have been living the life I have been living and I still feel like I am at the beginning sometimes. This journey is not easy, I will never say it is, but the day you are aware of why you behave the way you do, your life will look like a wonderful possibility that will begin to unfold before your eyes.

Letting go is hard. Learning to forgive, love yourself, and trust yourself is hard. Hopefully my experiences will motivate others to start the journey I have and become your own tools to unloading your bag of rocks.

FYI… This all started from my journey into the spiritual realms and how I now fully understanding so many things about our world and reality that has been unfolding before my eyes for several months now. Which I will be describing as well. Welcome to my experience, I truly hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

Promise this time, there is more to come… regularly.